blueballs

untitled poem IV

within me
where there still had left, some feeling
laid a seed of uncertainty
that threatens to grow, to leave me reeling
and the clock ticks by
and to pretend, to look unfeeling
dark light of day breaks
for nightfall, i begin steeling
rather like an orange
my heart, in layers peeling
yet i still dream of the sun
where away in joy, i’d be wheeling

and you’d know there’d be more than it seems
for you it is, lay me down here kneeling

the robot

i chanced upon this poem. it was not written by me. it is long yes. but if you read it you’ll find it’s extraordinary. as someone who loves writing stuff like that it hurts to know i would hardly ever be able to write like this

Upon the stairway of despair,
Complete with broken love affairs
And promises that never came,
But faded with a touch of shame,
A pretty girl with golden hair
And innocence so sadly rare,
Strove to keep her head above
A way of life devoid of love.

Feeling pinned against Life’s wall,
She chanced upon a robot tall
And said, “Please come and share with me
Whatever Fate has deemed to be.
I’m through with love, done with chances
Spirit crushed by past romances,
Just be a friend in word and deed.
That’s all that I shall ever need.”

“There’s not too much from me to learn,”
Remarked the robot, in return.
“Emotions do not form a part
of my cold, solid-steel heart.
Whatever maker fashioned me
Did not permit my circuitry
Responsiveness to love or pain -
You’re thoughts for me would be in vain.”

“No matter”, spoke the maid. “No more
Do I wish passion to explore.
Be someone I can come home to
When my exhausting day is through.
Count yourself a well-worn shoe -
A friend that I can slip into . . .
Protection from a stone cold floor . . .
For this I ask and nothing more.”

Agreement made, he took her hand
And lived the life that she had planned,
Always willing, not demanding,
Aiding her with understanding
He made her smile with humorous wit
(As his restrictions would permit)
And, bit by bit, she came to feel
That he was more than iron and steel.

“I love you, robot”, she at last
Replied when several months had passed.
“You’re strength and quiet dignity
Have brought a wondrous change in me.
No more do I feel all alone,
And pray you must be flesh and bone.
Deep-set emotions you MUST feel
Within that outer coat of steel!”

“If I were able, I would say
I’m sorry I was made this way
But my design and programmation
Does not provide for that creation
Of feelings normal men may feel
That were not born of iron and steel.
I told you all this once before.
You have no right expecting more.”

“Go, then!” cried she. “I will not live
Beside a fiend who cannot give!
Though I be battered by misuse,
Misguided trust and strong abuse,
At least the men I chose were real
And had the power to love and feel.
Of all the lovers I recall,
You are the cruelest one of all!”

The robot, indestructible,
Continues freely and at will.
Emotionless, apparently,
But, bearing closer scrutiny,
One can see a small tear streak
Down that cold, metallic cheek
As I reflect upon my life . . .
That lovely lady was my wife.

The robot, of course, was me.

this line

the melody that is in me
the shade of a sad guitar beside the fireplace
distorted, wound up with broken strings
this melody i cannot play

what was might never be anymore
that which i hold dear, impossible
the many things that i am waiting for
when the fears come true the heart dismembers

let the picture that painted be bleak
the sky splattered with shades of grey in blue
the sun not seen yet the rain not expected
i’m hanging about without clue

the thunder is silent
and the clouds gather
the lightning deafens
but you don’t seem to hear

the song that right now plays in me
screams at me when i’m quiet
unable to sing this song for you
trenched in this place and mired

clearly demarcated, vaguely drawn
this line that is in between
i can’t see this boundary
risk it all or stay within